It is currently 1:26 AM. I stayed awake to get some work done. I have accomplished such a small amount I don't even think it qualifies as work. I know I will regret it when the sun comes up and little people start calling my name, but I just can't get settled tonight and force myself to bed. The fact that I am REALLY behind on work is weighing heavily on my mind, but every time I try to get some done all the other stuff that is weighing REALLY, REALLY heavily on my mind gets in the way.
This week I turned into the The Grinch. I reached a point in the holiday season where I was just DONE. Done with it all - the shopping, the planning, the errands, the organizing... all of it. I feel like the season has lost its spirit and in the midst of the craziness my family has lost sight of what Christmas is really all about. Certainly through no fault of their own, but it has just happened. And I feel we are at a point of no return. We just need to suck it up and grin and bare it through the end of the year and vow to do better next time.
And next time... WE WILL.
Brandon and I always make a point to get the kids involved in buying gifts for those less fortunate than us. We want them to know just how blessed we are and that everybody does not have what we have. We also try to involve prayers and religious activities around the house. Of course the kids are exposed to this everyday at school and church and Sunday School, but we want to extend beyond that so they remember what is most important about this time of year. Of course the commercialism and materialism creep in - my kids have been making and revising Christmas lists for a month. You just can't escape it. But we try very hard not to over-indulge them.
But everybody else... This time next week my kids are going to be swimming in so much STUFF they won't even know what they have. And I will have bought gifts for so many people, quite a few I am certain won't even realize I gave them anything. I found myself looking over my list of people to buy for earlier this week and so extremely frustrated because I just didn't want to do it. I don't want to buy Christmas gifts for people who barely know me. I don't want to drive all over town, to 5 different stores, trying to find the perfect gift for somebody I barely know. If I don't know you well enough to come up with a reasonable idea as to what you might enjoy, doesn't that say something? I am tired of buying just for the sake of buying, on both ends of the equation.
As I re-read that paragraph I realize it sounds a bit selfish and that is not my intent. Well, maybe it is a little... Is it selfish to want to spend my pre-Christmas evenings curled up on the couch with my children watching the Christmas shows we DVR'd? (No time - too busy shopping.) Is it selfish to want to finish getting my Christmas decorations and Christmas dishes out? (No room - too much stuff everywhere.) Is it selfish to want to do away with just about everything at this point and attempt to simplify this holiday?
Right now I will have to muster through and live for the hours on Christmas morning when the five of us are sitting in the middle of the living room floor in our PJs. And I will live for that next year as well, along with the hours I will spend cuddled up with my little ones every evening before. I vow not to waste precious time standing in line, driving around in bad weather, or stressing over doing things that I really don't want to do and things that don't need to be done. And I have a feeling it will be the most beautiful, glorious Christmas this home has ever witnessed.
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