Exhausting

By 9:30 AM today I was done.  Done with the day.  Completely worn out.  For starters, Ella was home sick again with her bad allergy/sinus combo.  I was waiting for the doctor's office to open so I could get her an appointment because things have not improved since Tuesday.  Add to that Lucas, the three year old who never stops talking.  All day long he is in my ear, asking questions and talking about who-knows-what (sometimes -usually- complete nonsense).  You might say "Just block him out."  Oh no, not with this kid.  He will repeat himself over and over and over until you acknowledge what he said and provide a response he deems acceptable.  I try to remind myself that usually I am the only one he has to talk to all day and one day he won't want to talk to me at all, so just enjoy the moment.  But that's not always easy.  To top things off, there is Joe - the craziest, busiest, most daring 13 month old I have ever seen.  His latest trick is climbing into the gliding rocking chair and standing in it - no hands.  So far he has only fallen once - no major injuries to report. 

Around 9:15 we were racing out the door so I could drop Lucas off at school then take Ella to the doctor.  That in itself is chaotic enough - just the physical requirements of getting everybody ready, making lunch, gathering everything we need, hauling all of it (and people) out the car.  We arrive at the doctor's office 15 minutes early - normally a good thing, but not when attempting to control and corral a 13 month old who is into everything, yet refuses to walk and wants to crawl all over the dirty floor.  Again - exhausting!  Turns out Ella has infections in both ears (my poor girl) so off we go to Walgreens for more meds to add to her collection of allergy-controllers and fever-reducers.  Back home for brief period, then out the door again to get Lucas and drop off some paperwork from my duties as Cookie Mom for Ella's Daisy Scout troop.

This is where the exhaustion reached a new level - that of mental exhaustion.  I had to drop off these papers at someone's house who lives in the same neighborhood where our best friends bought their first home.  They haven't lived there in over 8 years so my children have never seen this place.  But still I think it is worth mentioning since we will be driving right past their old house.
Me: See that house?  That is where Katie and Justin used to live when they were first married.  But they moved when Corinne and Alyssa were just babies.
Ella: So Mariah was probably about 3?
Me: No, she was around 7.
Ella: So was she in first grade?  Or kindergarten?
Me: I don't remember exactly.
Lucas: How old was Jack?
Me: Jack is younger than the girls, so he wasn't born yet.  He never lived in that house.
Lucas: So he was 3?
Me: No.  Jack did not live there.  He wasn't born until they moved into their other house.
Ella: Did you visit them in that house?
Me: Yes, we were there all the time.
Ella: How old were we when they lived there?
Me: You guys weren't born.  I told you they moved when Corinne and Alyssa were babies.
Ella: So I was probably in your belly.
Me: Noooo.  You guys were not born.  Nobody was in my belly.  It was just me and Daddy.
Lucas: Then where were we?
I do not know how to respond to this question.
Me: You just weren't here yet.  You were nowhere.
Lucas: Why?

Luckily at that point we arrived at our destination and I cut the conversation short so I could drop off my papers.  Even luckier, they did not wish to continue the conversation when I got back in the car.

Mind and body officially worn out!

You Capture - Fun!

This week's You Capture topic was "Fun."  Easy enough, I thought - we are ALWAYS having fun around here!  That is one of the things Brandon and I always discuss about our children - they are such upbeat kids and always having a good time.  They just love to have fun and make everything fun.  And that in turns makes being their mom fun.

All the kids in my house have a guitar (technically Joe's is a ukelele - perfect size!) but nobody in this house actually knows how to play.  But that doesn't stop my 2 oldest from having regular jam sessions in the middle of the living room with their own made-up songs.  This shot is from a quieter, boys-only session in the bedroom they share.  (Nevermind the mess around the rest of the room - we were having a really fun day!)

And then there is the fun that having a 13-month-old brings to everyday life around here.  Peek-a-boo under the dining room chairs is always a good time, but it never ceases to amaze me how long this game can go on and how Joe thinks it is just as funny the 30th time I pop my head under that chair as he did the first.

Lastly, 2 kinds of fun all rolled into one.  Last week we met my brother and my nephew at the park for an impromptu play date since the weather was so fabulous.  That turned into dinner at our house for everybody and the kids playing out back while Brandon grilled some chicken.  I love that my brother and I have kids fairly close in age.  It is so much fun for me to watch them play together.  And I think as you can see in this picture of my 2 oldest kids and my newphew Nathan, it is just as much fun for them.  (Not the greatest shot, but this was taken out the kitchen window as I was cooking the rest of our dinner!)

I do believe I had just as much fun taking pictures this week as I did participating in the actual activities I captured.  For more You Capture fun, visit Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry.  (And Beth, I promise I do read your rules!  If I am linking this wrong please let me know!)

Relaxing at the Pool

Ella was off school today and that gave us a little taste of what is to come this summer.  Just a small taste, since the weather certainly was not summer-like, but it was so nice to be free of schedules and running and waiting in after-school pick-up lines and homework battles.

Mondays are swim lesson days for Lucas, so Ella got to tag along and play in the other half of the pool during his 30 minute session.  But after that several of her friends joined us and we got to have our own private pool party since every other school in the area was in session today.  We never get to stick around after lessons due to the aforementioned schedules, so we took full advantage and I even took Joseph into the pool and let him play in the fountains.  Oh, how I wish I'd had my camera because there were so many good photo ops and the kids had so much fun and played HARD for nearly 3 hours in the pool.

But the biggest thing to come out of today was relaxation.  How on earth, you might ask, were you able to relax while at the pool alone with 3 children?!  (Another reason for the lack of pictures.)  Physically there was absolutely no relaxation.  I think I was more exhausted than the kids when we got home.  But for the first afternoon in quite some time my mind was able to relax.  I feel like I spend the majority of my day planning and preparing for whatever we are doing next.  Today I was able to let go of all the planning and all the things that needed to be done around the house and all the work I needed to get done and just live in the moment.  Today I just got to swim and play with my kids and not worry about anything else.  They were happy and so was I. 

Of course once I got home there was a sink full of dishes and 3 baskets of clean clothes that needed to be put away, plus dinner, baths and work.  But I still didn't swing into panic mode.  A complete sense of calm came over me today and it was such a wonderful feeling.  I don't know what brought it on but I sure do hope it comes again soon and often!  And bring on summer vacation because I have a feeling my babies and I will have an endless amount of FUN.

You Capture: Black & White

Finally, I get to join in the You Capture fun!  I have to start by saying there are many things I hope to accomplish while participating in these weekly photo challenges.  But I realize I can't knock out all my goals in one week so I am starting small and working my way up.  When we bought our "new" camera (4  years ago) and I got the "newest" version of Adobe Photo Shop (about 3 1/2 years ago) I had such lofty goals to create the most stunning photos you've ever seen.  That goal fell way short when I failed to learn how to use most of the functions on my camera because I didn't have time to read the manual and I still don't know the majority of what I can do with Photo Shop because once again, no time to read the manual.  So I have learned a fair amount through trial and error and as I get into this I hope to read about a new trip or trick each week.  (I hope.  No promises.)

My goals this week were to get creative and look for new angles.  I also want to get better at getting shots without using my flash so I worked on that a bit, too.  This week's topic was Black and White.  Easy enough, right?  So I tried to get creative.  This is a shot of my black coffee in my white mug in black & white.

I did not drink coffee - not even one cup in the morning - until Joseph was born.  Then it became a necessity.  I have to admit, when I took this picture I was enjoying my coffee more than usual.  Brandon had already left for work, dropping Ella off at school on the way.  The boys were still sleeping hard.  And the weather was so fantastic that I had the windows open, the fresh air was blowing in and the birds were singing.  It was glorious.  (And by the way - most mornings I do add cream to my coffee.  That morning it was International Delight's Amaretto.  Delicious.)

Of course I couldn't resist snapping shots of my kids for the challenge.  Ella is always my most willing subject and loves to pose, so I took her to the side yard and put her against the brick wall.  I had a couple of favorites come out of this mini photo shoot.  (Although she thought I was extremely weird for taking her into the side yard to take pictures for no good reason.  I tried explaining the photo challenge but I'm not sure she gets it.)

I LOVE this last shot of her - she does not.  She said she has a weird look on her face.  I guess she doesn't realize she makes that face all the time and that is why I love it so much - it is so her.

Be sure to check out all the You Capture Fun over at Beth's place!

Homework Battles

I hate homework.  I hate it more now, as a parent, than I did when I was in school and had to do to the homework myself.  My daughter is only in the first grade and might hate homework even more than I do.  She whines and flops around in her chair and stalls and pretends to not understand (when I know full well she does) and all this leads to homework taking so much longer than it should and putting everyone in a bad mood.  The problem is not that she doesn't get it - I think I could handle that much better - it's that she just flat out hates it and will try to find any way to get out of doing it. 

So I was ECSTATIC when a note came home this week that said there would be no spelling test this week, no weekly math packet and no weekly dictation to practice.  That basically meant she would have a simple page or two (some kind of worksheet) each night.  Glorious!!  Or so I thought...

Yesterday she brought home a worksheet about plants and seeds.  She had to read a short paragraph about different plants/fruits/vegetables and their seeds and then find things at home that have seeds and list them.  It gave examples of things you might find, such as apples and pumpkins.  This is what followed:

Me: What kinds of things inside our house have seeds?
Ella looks around the living room then looks back at me.
Me (trying another approach): Where in the house do you think you will find things with seeds?
Ella again glances around the living room and now the dining room.
Me: How about the kitchen?
Ella: Yes!  (Then stares at me again.)
Me: So why don't you go look in the kitchen and see if you can find things with seeds in them?
Ella proceeds to walk to the kitchen, stand in the middle of the room and look completely lost.
Me (very proud I am not 100% frustrated yet): How about the refrigerator?  Do you think you might find things in there with seeds in them?
Ella walks to the refrigerator and stares at the door.
Me (frustration encroaching): Open the refrigerator door.  Open the drawer where we keep the fruits and vegetables.  What do you see in there?
Ella roots through the veggie drawer and finds a green pepper.  She then goes to close the refrigerator.
Me: NO!!  First, you have to shut the drawer.  Second, why don't you check the drawer below that were we keep the fruit?
Ella follows orders and finds some apples and pears.  She returns to the table and starts writing "green pepper" then stops and stares at me yet again.
Me (oh holy geez): What else did you see in there with seeds?
Ella: Cucumbers have seeds.
Me (taking deep breaths): Did you see a cucumber in our refrigerator?
Ella: No
Me: What else did you see?
Ella finally remembers the apples and pears and writes them down.  We moved on to what we could find outside and had a much easier time coming up with pine cones and flowers. 

Homework complete after nearly 30 minutes.  For just one worksheet.  I think the assignment could be "Watch as many cartoons as possible" and Ella would still find a way to make it difficult.

Me Time

For the past several days I have felt inspired and compelled to write.  The problem is I have no idea what to write about!  I think it's just the act of writing, actually taking time to do something for myself, that motivates me.  For the past year we have been sorting out our new life, with me being a full-time stay-at-home mom and part-time work-from-home mom and Brandon traveling more and putting in a little extra time at the office each night.  We have tried to get a handle on the financial situation.  I have tried to balance two different kids' school schedules, plus a baby who is with me 24/7.  We have tried to figure out the best time to schedule kids activities and get them there and get them home and how all that fit into our home life.  So with all this, plus the endless mundane housekeeping stuff there has been little to no time for ME. 

But little by little over the past few months a tiny light has started to shine.  I got the chance to read a few books I had been dying to get my hands on.  Then things got busy again, so the current book I am reading ("Seriously I'm Kidding" by Ellen) has been sitting on my nightstand, unopened, for the past 3 weeks.  And just as quickly it eased up once more, so I had the chance to spend time this weekend with great friends and even more time outside with my kids, enjoying this glorious weather.  But yesterday I was back to feeling completely overwhelmed with laundry and dinner and work and kids and everything else.  But then today... I took Lucas to school and drove to the gym.  On a Tuesday morning.  On a day when we did not have to be there, the kids were not scheduled for any activities, a day just for ME.  Joe went into the babysitting room and I met with my friend Lisa (who just happens to be a personal trainer) for a whole hour to focus on ME.  Joe and I came home, he is napping so now I get to sit here and write (as I see the sink full of dirty dishes in the corner of my eye).  And later?  I am going to take my little poser (a.k.a. Ella) into the side yard and take her picture against our brick wall so I can edit them and make them perfect and post them on this week's You Capture.  My first You Capture post!!  I am so excited I am almost giddy and I am already taking pictures for next week's post.

So many times I have heard that as a mom, especially a stay at home mom, you MUST make time for yourself.  Much easier said than done as any mom well knows.  For so long I have put it off and given up what I want (or sometimes need) to do what the kids need or what the house needs or what somebody else needs.  But now I am finally letting myself be me and I am truly seeing the benefits, both for myself and my family.  Now I just wonder why I didn't listen to everybody and do this sooner???

Some Days

I did not quit my full time "outside the home" job because I thought staying home full time would be easier.  I knew I was in for a tough ride.  Of course you never really know how tough something can be until you live it.

There are days I wake up very determined, with my to-do list already running through my head.  I write it down while the boys are eating breakfast and go about my day with a purpose.  I cross each thing off as the day goes on and I feel successful.  I feel organized.  I feel a sense of accomplishment and I feel a lot less stressed.  I actually feel proud of myself for being able to cross things off my list like "do all the laundry" and "schedule kids doctors appointments."  But these kinds of days are few and far between.

Most days I am running on fumes and leaving a disastrous trail behind me.  Instead of crossing things off my list, I keep adding to it and nothing is accomplished.  My kids become super needy and fight with each other and trash my house.  I over commit myself and wind up with more things on my list than I can possibly accomplish in one day, and still more things that need to be added but there just isn't room or time (anytime within the next week).  I think back to when I was working full time and wonder how on earth anything got done.  I look around my house now - with toys scattered all over every room and 3 baskets of laundry that need to be put away and mail and papers stacked up that need to be sorted and dealt with - and I wonder how on earth I can even make a dent.  This week I have all but given up.  I warned Brandon before he came home last night "the house is disastrous and I will attempt to find sometime to deal with it by Sunday."  Honest, attainable goals. 

So I will deal with things as they come, or maybe a few days after they come.  At this point in my life, I am enjoying living in the moment more and being a little more relaxed on my "schedule."  I enjoy sitting in the mess of what I call a living room and reading books and playing ball with my boys.  I enjoy sitting in my daughter's "hair salon" and letting her darn near rip my hair out by the roots.  And I enjoy sitting on the couch with my husband after the kids are in bed and laughing at our favorite TV shows.  Doing these things won't get me any closer to a clean house or an empty to-do list, but they will get me a lot closer to being a happy momma and I'll take that.

What I'm Missing

My favorite part of being on maternity leave after Ella was born were our daily naps in my bed.  Every afternoon I would lay her down next to me, all swaddled up, and stare at her sweet sleeping face as I dozed off.  Then I would wake up to that same beautiful face.  She was my only child so I had nobody else to tend to and I could just lay there and soak it all in.  Three years later when Lucas was born I did the same thing and loved it just as much.  While I was on maternity leave with him I kept Ella in daycare/preschool.  This allowed me the one-on-one time with my new baby and it kept her in a routine (she was a child who very much needed it).  Three more years pass and Joseph arrives.  By this point Ella was in school full time but Lucas was not.  We decided (mostly for financial reasons) to keep him home with me while I was on leave.  That meant no afternoon naps snuggled together in my bed.  That meant no rocking in the recliner and watching whatever terrible daytime TV we could get sucked into.  Instead I woud be balancing what little energy I could muster between a newborn and a very active 3-year-old.  Today, one year later, I am still sad I did not get those naps with Joseph.  I feel a little deprived and I feel like one day he will somehow be negatively affected because his older siblings got attention he did not (even though I really know this is garbage and will likely have absolutely no affect on him whatosever).

Seven weeks into my maternity leave I decided I would not return to my full time job.  I thought this might make up for things - since I didn't have the opportunity during my "maternity leave" to nap and be cozy with Joseph during the day, I could make up for it now by being with him all the time!  At that time Lucas was still napping on a regular basis and in the fall he would be in preschool two days a week.  During those times I dreamed Joseph and I could snuggle and curl up together.  He could nap on my chest while I reclined in the same chair I had snoozed in with my older kids.  Once he dozed off I could lay him in my bed and curl up next to him.  We would be two peas in a pod and he would be momma's little boy.  After all, Lucas was CLEARLY a Daddy's boy, a man's man.  He rarely wanted anything to do with me.  Ella was on the verge of being too cool for us (yes, at the ripe old age of 6).  So Joseph was MINE!!  But what happens?  Not only is he the least cuddly of my three children, but he becomes a Daddy's Boy!  He does not want to curl up with me in the chair or bed, he wants to get down and play or put himself to sleep in his own bed.  He will always go to Daddy first and when I try to take him he clings to Brandon for dear life.  I joke sometimes that the whole reason I quit my job is so Joe would like me best.  But a tiny part of me thinks maybe that isn't such a joke, especially after being ranked second by the older kids more than once.  (Not literally ranked, of course, but you get the idea!)  Maybe he's tired of me after spending every minute with me during the day?  Maybe he's already too cool for me??  Whatever it is, I need to find a fix because I am desperately missing my snuggle I dreamed about!

Whine With That Cheese?

So Brandon is out of town again.  He is in sunny Los Angeles while I am stuck at home.  He is going out for dinner and drinks every night and housekeeping at the Hilton is cleaning his room and making his bed.  I know he is working hard and putting in long hours, but still.... FREE dinner.  Somebody to CLEAN UP after him.  QUIET TIME each night.  And while I try to keep my mouth shut when he vents or complains because I know he would rather be home (most of the time), I can't help but be a little jealous of his time away and a tiny part of me wants to say "Shut up!"  Here I am with 3 kids who for some reason have spent nearly every second since he left whining and/or fighting.  Except the baby - he's too little to do either, but he does his part by ripping up whatever he can get his hands on, whether it be on the floor, the table, or the wall.  It is exhausting, both mentally and physically and all I want to do once they are all finally sleeping sweetly in their beds is collapse into mine.  But wait, there's more!  Clean up the tornado of a mess they left behind, do my own work, clean up after dinner, get everything ready for the morning...  All I want to say to him is "Stop whining!  You've got it easy!"

But then... I have several friends who are single parents and work full time outside the home and bust their butts like I cannot even imagine, day in and day out.  I have several friends whose spouses are in the military and either are now or have been at some time (or TIMES) deployed, leaving them to not only be single parents but worry about the unthinkable happening to their husbands.  I'm a single parent this week.  And then probably again next month and probably many times after that.  But then, each time my husband comes back and picks up right where he left off, jumping right back into his role as Super Dad and taking care of the "man jobs" around this house.  He is safe and sound and with us and all is well.  So what do I say to myself?  "Stop whining!  You've got it easy!" 

Failure to Capture

One of the things that inspired and motivated me to start a blog in the first place was one of my favorites: I Should Be Folding Laundry.  This blog is written by my friend's sister and I have followed it for years.  One of my favorite features is her weekly "You Capture" post.  This is a photography challenge with a new topic each week.  Followers are challenged to go out into the world with their cameras, fancy or not (mine is not so much) and shoot their interpretation of that week's topic.  I LOVE taking pictures.  I take a million.  My husband says I am blinding our children.  I am nowhere near a professional (nor do I believe myself to be) but I just enjoy it.  And along the way I hope to improve, not to pro status, but enough to look back one day and think "I got some really great shots!"

So anyway, every week for the past gazillion years, I have gazed longingly at the You Capture post, checking out Beth's amazing shots, thinking about the next week's topics and all the great things I could take pictures of.  So finally I have a blog of my own.  I can join in the game!  I can post my own pictures!  This week's topic: Peach (the color or the fruit).  And what happens to me?  BRAIN. DEAD.  Nothing!!  I have absolutely no ideas!  I racked my brain all week long and searched every corner trying to find some sort of peach something to photograph.  All I came up with was the plastic jar of Dole sliced peaches in light syrup in our fridge.  Loved by my children, but not exactly photo-worthy.  I was devastated!  I can finally play the game and I have nothing to play with!  The post goes up on Thursday so I finally resigned myself to the fact that I would have to sit this one out and just be a spectator, yet again.  But then what happens??  The blog is down!  There are some technical issues on Beth's end and she cannot currently get her site up and running.  I do believe I have jinxed the entire thing.