Some Days

I did not quit my full time "outside the home" job because I thought staying home full time would be easier.  I knew I was in for a tough ride.  Of course you never really know how tough something can be until you live it.

There are days I wake up very determined, with my to-do list already running through my head.  I write it down while the boys are eating breakfast and go about my day with a purpose.  I cross each thing off as the day goes on and I feel successful.  I feel organized.  I feel a sense of accomplishment and I feel a lot less stressed.  I actually feel proud of myself for being able to cross things off my list like "do all the laundry" and "schedule kids doctors appointments."  But these kinds of days are few and far between.

Most days I am running on fumes and leaving a disastrous trail behind me.  Instead of crossing things off my list, I keep adding to it and nothing is accomplished.  My kids become super needy and fight with each other and trash my house.  I over commit myself and wind up with more things on my list than I can possibly accomplish in one day, and still more things that need to be added but there just isn't room or time (anytime within the next week).  I think back to when I was working full time and wonder how on earth anything got done.  I look around my house now - with toys scattered all over every room and 3 baskets of laundry that need to be put away and mail and papers stacked up that need to be sorted and dealt with - and I wonder how on earth I can even make a dent.  This week I have all but given up.  I warned Brandon before he came home last night "the house is disastrous and I will attempt to find sometime to deal with it by Sunday."  Honest, attainable goals. 

So I will deal with things as they come, or maybe a few days after they come.  At this point in my life, I am enjoying living in the moment more and being a little more relaxed on my "schedule."  I enjoy sitting in the mess of what I call a living room and reading books and playing ball with my boys.  I enjoy sitting in my daughter's "hair salon" and letting her darn near rip my hair out by the roots.  And I enjoy sitting on the couch with my husband after the kids are in bed and laughing at our favorite TV shows.  Doing these things won't get me any closer to a clean house or an empty to-do list, but they will get me a lot closer to being a happy momma and I'll take that.