Lost

I am feeling lost of late.  In some ways very grounded and exactly where I should be and rolling right along.  But in other ways... just lost.  What bothers me even more is that the things that make me feel this way are somewhat elementary and immature and silly, but you can't always help the way you feel.

I told Brandon tonight something that has been on my mind for several weeks now.  (And let's face it, something that is never, ever far from my mind.)  I need some alone time for ME.  Absolute, 100% me time.  It's not that he is preventing me from having this or that he doesn't encourage it - it's just life.  We are busy with jobs and kids and being grown-ups.  But these days, the only time I have to myself is when I am running errands.  The grocery, the bank, the like.  I tell myself that if I have some time to hide out in a back corner of the library and read one of the many books on my night stand that I will come out refreshed and ready to start anew.  Or that if I can have a day at the spa (which hopefully accepts Monopoly money) I will be so relaxed that I can't help but resurface ready to conquer the world.

I've heard so many people say you have to schedule time for yourself. Actually pencil it in somewhere. (Or type it I suppose. Who actually has a paper calendar anymore? Me, that's who.) For the longest time I thought that was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard. You can't schedule "me" time and plan on sticking with it - stuff happens! Life happens. Sometimes you have to just bypass and take care of business. But now I am realizing this is exactly what I must do for the sake of my sanity.

Just tonight I also told Brandon (during a different discussion) that sometimes you just have to find a way, and if the old way isn't working then you have to find a new one.  So perhaps I should follow my own advice.  Find direction in those moments when I am lost.  Take charge and seek the path I am looking for.  And if the path I think I'm looking for can't be found, then forget about it and find another. 

So perhaps in the midst of all this path-seeking and me-time-scheduling I will come to some resolutions about where I am going and what my next steps will be (and should be).  It just feel like there are so many loose ends right now and I don't know which ones to grab first.  But it is becoming more apparent that I cannot grab them all at once and tie them into one nice, neat, big bow.  So I will start tying knots, one at a time, to keep them from fraying.  And once that is done I might be able to gather them up into one tight bunch.  And maybe I won't.  But that certainly won't stop me from trying, and maybe even tying some new knots if I need to.